How to Open a Dojo and Make Lots of Money

Disclaimer:  This is a satirical article.  If you don't find it funny there are 3 possible reasons:
1.) You train at a dojo like this
2.) You don't train at all
3.) I'm not at all funny (most likely)

So anyhoo....

How to Open a Dojo and Make Cash Doing it

            There is no denying times are tough.  With unemployment around 10% and quickly approaching the 30% mark we saw in the depression it’s quite clear we very well may be standing in bread lines for hours on end so that we can make sandwich’s with meat from our butchered dogs and topped off with the leather from our boots.  As someone with small, skinny dogs and smelly feet the near future looks very grim.  Times are indeed tough, but not hopeless thanks to martial arts.

            A popular saying goes, “When life gives you lemons, karate chop them in half and scare the crap out of life!”  Or something like that.  Many times in life we are faced with adversity and the dojo provide not only an escape but also the tools to defeat adversity.  In times of economic strife, this should not be different.  Using a proper marketing plan, martial arts can prove to be quite the profitable endeavor.

Using martial arts for economic benefit is not a new concept.  Musashi is quoted as saying:

 “The field of martial arts is particularly rife with flamboyant swordsmanship, with commercial popularization and profiteering on the part of both those who teach the science and those who study it. The result of this must be, as someone said, that “amateuristic martial arts are a source of serious wounds.”

So it’s nothing new.  And don’t worry about that part about “serious wounds.”  They were using swords, which can be quick sharp.  Plus you’re not an amateur – you’ll be fine.  Now to move on, the first and best way to make money with martial arts: creating your own style.  

At first this may seem like a daunting task but really it’s not so bad.  All you need is a few years of experience in one style, little cross training here and there, and a kanji dictionary so you can make a cool name.  Remember today’s current buzzwords like “combat”, “ultimate”, and “mixed”.   It’s important to realize that today people want down and dirty Bourne Identity style martial arts, something that they can immediately see as effective and don’t have to do too many times before it seems like it works.  Like punching and tackling people.  90 degree pivots not so much… although there is small market for that.  But we’re trying to catch Moby Dick here, not the Little Mermaid.  So pick a name using the above guidelines.

Now that you’ve got the name it’s time to create your style.  This usually takes years and years but there are shortcuts.  A good rule of thumb is to take all the stuff you’re good at out of what style you study and pick up a few tricks from whatever cross training you do and mash it together.  In your brochure describe this process as “extracting the relevant parts of (whatever) and blending with the deadly power of (whatever & whatever).”   Shore up any lack in cross training by watching martial arts movies – Bruce Lee for philsophy and little Chuck Norris here and there but no Walker, Texas Ranger.  Also stay away from Jackie Chan; it’s just too showy.  Instead bone up on the aforementioned Bourne movies and anything with Tony Jaa. 

            To measure the progress of students studying your newly christened style you’ll need a system of promotions.  Start by making yourself a 15^th degree black belt.  Many degrees of black are important so that you can keep promoting people to various degrees every year or few months.  There should be many degrees before black as well.  A few basic colors, patterns (camouflage is good for the more military minded) and a number of stripes per basic color will do.  With just 5 colors and 3 stripes a color you’ve got 15 promotions, and that’s before they test for shodan.  And with a little testing/promotion fee per promotion we’re talking a fair amount of money.

            Finally you need a place to train.  The dojo much like the style needs a cool name.  Again buzz words.  A good example would be to call your place Ultimate Fight Club.  Notice the use of “Ultimate” and “Fight Club”.   The initials for the place are U.F.C.  By using a word that denotes “best” and invoking the memories of a kick ass, testosterone filled dude movie, and topping it off with an awesome acronym you’ve got a whip cream topped pumpkin pie of a marketing tool.  And everybody loves pie.   Remember the amenities too.  Gourmet coffee, internet access, maybe an arcade game (Should be a fighting game).  Today’s best sports stadiums aren’t just a field and seats.   Put that little extra into your presentation.

        So in conclusion, we all love martial arts.  Most of us like money too.  So why not combine the two?  Like putting a Twinkie in a deep grease fryer the process may be disgusting, the results unhealthy, you can’t deny how delicious it taste.   Now if you’ll excuse I’m off to open my new dojo – The Matrix Masters Academy.  M.M.A. for short.