The Greatest Movie Ever: Showdown in Little Tokyo

Was at Walmart a week ago and picked up one of those 4 in one movie packs, where they package bad movies from the 80's that no one would buy unless they were getting a 4 for 1 deal.  Few nights ago after a shift and a few beers I popped in the first movie of the set and turns out it, it's the best movie ever made.  The name of the movie was Showdown in Little Tokyo.

 

This is the greatest movie ever made.  Usually a movie is made great by terrific performances, superior directing and editing, and an epic plot but Showdown in Little Tokyo goes a different route - its so bad it's awesome.  Sure Dolph Lundgren sounds silly when he speaks Japanese,  Brandon Lee could act like my old deaf roommate can sing, and the fight scenes look like the we choreographed by some mullet clad martial artist who films self defense tapes in his mom's basement - but who cares, it's freakin' great.  Dolph Lundgren jumps over a car and later turns one on it's side to use as a shield.  Tia Carrere gets naked and they use an even hotter body double for all the shots.  Splinter's side kick from the first ninja turtle move is in it, need  I say more. 

It's also got some of the best lines in a movie ever.  Just a few examples.  Don't worry about the set up to these lines, their irrelevant.

Dolph Lundgren: "Roughly translated, out of the frying pan and boned up the ass with a red-hot poker."

Brandon Lee: "Kenner, just incase we get killed, I wanted to tell you that you have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man."

Brandon Lee: "We're going to nail this guy. And when we get done, we're going to go eat fish off those naked chicks! "

There are so many more, it's awesome.  How I never saw this movie till now I don't know.  Go out and buy it and love it.  Best worst movie ever. 

The Joy of the DMV

It's great going to the DMV. As a business owner usually I'm running around all day or at the office doing paperwork, you know all the exciting crazy things that are involved in keeping a business afloat. A trip to the DMV is a great opportunity just to sit down and relax for a half hour and not think about all the things that need to be done at the bar, that my dogs need to be exercised, or that I need to do laundry and clean my house. I also don't have to spend time with my girlfriend. I've been working a lot lately and haven't seen much of her and she'd probably be talking my ear off, "how was your day...I love you... Blah blah blah." All that shit. It's so much nicer hanging with total strangers who I'd just love to talk if I weren't so enthralled with listening to Los Lonely Boys on the radio they have here. Thankfully the radio is at very quiet reasonable volume level.

Well I'll almost be up in 15 minutes so I must depart I have to think about pleasant conversation starters to have with the DMV employee. If we don't have something to talk about we'll get done to quick and I'll have to leave this magical place!

Dear God someone save me this blows!

What a week

It's been a bit of hectic week.  Went to Boulder to attend a get together hosted by one or liquor reps and met Tom Bulleit of Bulleit Bourbon.  He gave a talk on the history of Bulleit and we tasted a bunch of different whiskeys and he told us about how they were all distilled and why they tasted the way they did.  I know work, work, work that's all I do.  We got hats and leather Bulleit notebooks too. 

Swag and whiskey, couldn't ask for a better time.  Tom Bulleit signed our notebooks and it was nice to be introduced to him as the #4 bulleit account in the state and #1 in Fort Collins.  We love our Bulleit around Hodi's, I even named my red heeler after it.

 

My heeler Bulleit is destined to be a deer for Halloween every year.  

Business is good but tonight wasn't so hot.  The GZA from Wung Tang missed his flight and couldn't make the show so instead of a sold out show I had a free Hip Hop show.  The local openers did a great job bringing a bit of a crowd but we didn't do nearly as well as we could have.  Oh well, this weekend will still be great.

It's been over a week since I've had a soda and I quit drinking at work but I've had a beer here and there.  I wanted to take a break from drinking but I think a beer here and there won't kill me and not drinking at work seems like a good middle ground.  Proud of the no soda or red bull and I seem to be sleeping since I've quit.

Slacked a bit on my push ups but I've got 90 more tonight and I'm back on track.

Big update I'll try to be better about blogging at once a day.  

Tom Bulleit's first joke he told "In Kentucky they say it is not impolite to ask if you are related.  It is impolite however, to ask how."

My friend lost a good friend this week.  I can't claim to know him nearly as well as a lot of people but I was always happy to see him and he was a great guy.  He'll be missed.

How to tell the future with Easy Mac

Since man could stand upright, he has tried to divine his future.  From the ancient Chinese fortune tellers who used turtle shells and dinosaur bones,  witches reading tea leafs and runes, fortune tellers have used a variety of methods to see the future.  These methods have proven so effective that we've used the wisdom of fortune tellers to prevent the Titanic from sinking, Pearl Harbor, the Bay of Pigs, and 9/11.  Psychic knowledge also allowed a quick evacuation of New Orleans before Katrina, Florida before Hurricane Andrew,  and most recently Haiti before their massive earthquake.  Oh wait...

So these methods suck.  There has to be a better way and after much reseach, I've uncovered it.  The secret to telling the future my friends, is Easy Mac.

Unknown to the hard working people at Kraft, you can use their cheap, easy meal not only to satisfy your cravings for mac and cheese but to predict who's going to win the ball game after dinner.  Below is how-to-guide on diving the future with The Mac.

Step 1: Empty Noodles into Bowl.

Step 2: Pour exactly 2/3 cup of water into bowl.  Make sure to measure from the bottom of the meniscus. 

Make sure your at eye level when taking your measurement.  Also if you can poor perfectly without having to add or dump out water of your measuring cup, your power of divination skill will increase +1 along with a +1 for luck.

Step 3: Microwave for 4 minutes.  As the mac cooks in the microwaves think about what you want to predict - will I do well on my test, will I get this job, will Sally go out on a date if I ask her, etc.  Concentrate on the mac but don't stare at the microwave.  It'll give you cancer.

Step 4: Remove bowl from microwave but be careful as the bowl may be hot.

Step 5:  Add the cheese quick and stir with a fork (Not a spoon, although after your reading of the noodles, you may eat it with a spoon).

Step 6:  Read the noodles.  After you've stirred in the cheese you will have one of three situations in front of you:

- The cheese did not mix well because most of the water evaporated.  This is the worst that                    can happen.  You're fucked or whatever you wanted to happen will not and there nothing you can do.  

- The mac is perfect.  Everything will turn out all right so apply for that job or ask Sally out, all will be well.

- The mac is too wet because not enough water evaporated.  This means that things won't turn out as you wanted but you can do somethings to try and make the situation better.  You can can try to drain some of the water but you may lose some of that cheesy goodness that mixed in with the water.  This means you can act to make the situation better but be cautious as a wrong move could ruin things.  You can also allow the mac to sit for a minute or two and some of the water will be absorbed.  This means that while things are bad, if you wait it out a bit the situation may improve a bit.  If there is way too much water for either method you may just be fucked.  Or you need a new microwave.

So go forth my friends, use the power of the mac wisely as knowing the future can be a dangerous thing.  A tasty, cheesy danger.

Early show, Empty bar

Weekend has been way too busy. Between working till 4am Friday and bartending last night then working a double today I'm bit beat. Tomorrow won't be much better tomorrow. Hasn't left me much time to blog.

Todays early show is slow as hell which means I can blog from my blackberry and do my pushups. Promise that if something exciting happens I'll tell you.